A fifteen year old boy walks into a blacksmith's shop. The smithy notices him looking at some of the stuff he'd been working on.
"Son, I don't mind you lookin' around, but be careful, you can get hurt in a place like this."
"Oh, don't worry about me, old man, I know my way around a blacksmith shop", said the young man.
The smithy went on about his work and sure enough, pretty soon he heard CLANG, CLINK, CLANG and spun around to find a smoking horseshoe on the floor beside the anvil and the boy with his hands clasped behind his back.
The smithy grinned and said "Yeah, that horseshoe's hot, ain't it kid?", to which the boy replied "Na, it just don't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

Question

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

The Magic Doors

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw".

Maximum Kill

How do you swat 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Unlimited Energy Source

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

That Smell

The serpent had been very convincing and Eve had persuaded Adam to partake of the fruit of the tree in the center of the garden. Afterward, Eve went down to the creek. God saw her washing herself and shook his head. "How will I ever get the smell out of the fish?"

Blondes
Know why blondes have more fun? Because ignorance is bliss.

Mad Cow

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

Snow on the Roof, Fire in the Furnace

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November." Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant." The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

You know you're getting old when:
You have more hair growing on your ears than on your head.
Your doctor tells you to start taking one aspirin a day.
You can still ride that old bicycle ten miles, but you pay for it the next two days.
The highlight of the day is the arrival of the mail -- unless the grandchildren come to visit.
When you visit someone you look for the highest possible seating.
You grunt a lot more, like with every movement.
You know the location of every rest room within a 300 mile radius of home.
The young girls call you "sir".
Older women are a lot more attractive than they used to be.
Young women are a lot more like girls.
You'd rather nobody said "happy birthday" because there ain't much happy about it.
You're afraid to fart because it might be the real thing.

Battle of the Sexes, Male Perspective
Don't you hate when a woman leaves the toilet seat down?
A woman knows everything, a man does everything.

Crime does not pay

The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a minute he didn't dare breathe. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room, but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued.
He was unhooking the stereo when he heard it again, "Jesus is watching you!"
This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads of sweat popped out on his face and as he switched the flashlight on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked around the room and noticed a birdcage in one corner. "Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar "Yes I am," said the parrot. "Why did you say "Jesus is watching you!" ? "Because I felt like you needed to be warned," replied the parrot. Quite amused and smiling now, the burglar asked "What's your name, parrot?" "Moses," says the parrot.
"Ha Ha," laughs the burglar. "What kind of idiots name their parrot Moses?"
"The same kind that name their Rottweiler Jesus" said the parrot.

Boom

The American Airlines flight had been in a holding pattern over Frankfurt for a while now, the veteran pilot had heard the air traffic controllers there were very terse, almost rude.
"Flight 107 from New York, clear for landing, runway 2", the tower radioed, the poor pilot assumed the correct wind direction and proceeded to land.
After a bit, the pilot cautiously radioed the tower for directions to his terminal.
"Haven't you ever been to Frankfurt?", the controller answered sharply.
The pilot replied "Once in 1944, but I didn't land."

Church

Having been sorely dissapointed by lists of this nature on the net I started my own. If you are offended I'm not sorry. But I should warn you it ain't for the faint hearted so if you have a heart attack or your blood pressure gets out of control I'm not responsible.
Please note -- some of these might not have an effect, it depends on the denomination. Others might get you stoned -- not necessarily a good kind of stoned, but maybe.

1. Walk in with the number 666 on your forehead.
2. Carry a copy of the Holy Koran or the Holy Bible, whichever is most fun.
3. Clip fingernails and/or crack knuckles.
4. Select "Hell's Bells" ringtone.
5. Look at the piano player, then the head usher. Repeat.
6. Submit a prayer request for Elton John. If the prayer list is screened, which it often is, make it John Smith -- this will require involvement of two more censors and create a similar effect among the staff. Whether or not it is read then doesn't matter.
7. Yawn, stretch and look around at the same time. Repeat.
8. When the preacher looks your way wink -- this works regardless of sex.
9. Don't go stoned, you need that edge.
10. Don't grin, it's a dead giveaway.
11. If the Pit Boss has you removed return next Sunday in disguise. If you are recognized you have shamed all so make it good.
12. Leave a drawing of the zodiac on the pew.